Spring Fashion News Prompts Ultimate Cheapskate to Increase Spending Threat Level to Code Magenta
Monday, September 24, 2007
(Accokeek, Maryland April 24, 2006) U.S. fashionistas from New York to San Francisco have declared magenta the new pink, shocking the free world and prompting an increase in the Spending Threat Level.
With U.S. consumers already spending more than $330 billion annually on apparel (roughly equivalent to the combined Gross Domestic Products of Africa's fifteen poorest nations), Jeff Yeager, the Ultimate Cheapskate, estimates that the breaking news about magenta will likely generate billions in new spending, although he's convinced that the switch to magenta was in no way based on that consideration.
"I'm confident that the fashion industry has the scientific data to support its position regarding the superiority of magenta over pink, otherwise I'm certain that these discretionary dollars would have been directed to world hunger or other secondary priorities" said Yeager.
"This magenta crisis is really a wakeup call, and our speedy response in terms of focusing public attention and financial resources on the problem bodes well for the priority response system we have in place. Given our response to the news regarding magenta, we can all sleep easier tonight, knowing that well be able to effectively address issues like global warming when the time comes," Yeager added.
In the interest of full disclosure, the Ultimate Cheapskate has filed documents with authorities verifying that he has spent nearly $23 on personal clothing in the last 48 months. He also confirmed that he does not own any magenta colored clothing, although there is a grape juice stain on his good dress shirt that bears a remarkable resemblance to America's 22nd President, Grover Cleveland.
About the Spending Threat Level
The Spending Threat Level System (STLS) was established by the Ultimate Cheapskate to alert the public to emerging threats to their pocketbooks. Modeled after the highly confusing and ineffective Terrorism Threat Level System developed by the U.S. Department of Homeland Security at a cost of several billion dollars, Jeff Yeager, the Ultimate Cheapskate, was surprised to find that he could establish an even more confusing and ineffective rating system without requiring the expenditure of a single additional tax dollar. "It just came to me when I saw the big 64 pack of Crayolas sitting on my desk. Undoubtedly the government was working with the basic 8 pack, but that's how new ideas and technology evolve," said Yeager.
posted by Jeff Yeager at 8:21 AM